So I turn 32 today. It’s kind of a non-age. In my mind, 33 is a bit of a milestone, 30 is an obvious milestone, but 32, that’s nothing. Of course, I couldn’t care less either way. Age means very little to me now, but I guess this is as good a day as any for me to reminisce/write about the past 9 years (8 years and 9 months, actually) and where I am now.

I’m fairly surprised about how happy I am now and how good I feel. On this day 9 years ago, I was with a friends in London, ON, on a inter-term break from my Master’s program (in Public Administration – MPA) from the University of Victoria. The next day, I would get picked up in Toronto and would get a ride  to the Ottawa River, near Cobden, to go whitewater rafting for the weekend (along with about 15 more friends). Good times!

I then went back to Victoria for term 2 of my MPA program and I continued training for triathlon, a sport I tried for the first time in January of that same year. Three months later, I crashed into a tree and my life changed.

When we were rafting/bouncing our way through the whitewater, or even when I was pushing my body and bike down hills in Victoria, I never pictured myself at any age but 23. However, I also never envisioned myself doing anything but playing sports; water polo, cycling, basketball, small games of impromptu football, etc. Doing all of that stuff now would be awesome, I miss it. That said, I’m really happy right now.

I was in rehab (inpatient and outpatient) for 2 years in St. John’s, I finished my MPA (and 8 months of rehab in Victoria), I worked in Ottawa for 3 years, I moved home, worked here and I finally wrote that yet-to-be-published book (manuscript). Looking to fix or lessen my double vision, I had my 4th eye surgery in January and 2 and a half weeks ago I got glasses to help that along. It looks like that’s about as far as surgery/glasses are going to go towards fixing my double vision (so far its ok, but I’ll know better in 2-3 months). I’ve also started doing Pilates, which is awesome! I feel really good!

Hence, this post. Now what? Every other year, no matter how lofty or how mundane my expectations were, I had expectations. This year, it’s not as though I don’t expect anything, it’s not as though I don’t have hopes, it’s that I don’t put any weight on them. I wanted to write “it’s that I don’t care”, but that comes across the wrong way. I care. It just doesn’t matter. I’m in no rush, but I’m also not deliberately slowing my life down. Whatever happens, happens.

Everybody knows about the ‘concussion issue’ in the NHL, NFL and hockey and football in general (youth-pro levels). It’s all over the media. Occasionally it will be discussed somewhere else, but it rarely holds attention for much longer than it takes to read or watch the story. Unfortunately, brain injury is so widespread and can be so debilitating that it is overwhelmingly ignored and, unless there’s a feel good story, or someone to blame for the injury, it never gets coverage. Concussion, and brain injury in general, is not a sports story. It’s a health/medical/human interest story with a sports angle, but it’s not a sports story.

There are plenty of stories about people who have been brain injured and how they’ve recovered, but you have to look for them. Stories about pro athletes or children being concussed are much more prevalent, and they’re what most people will read. I began writing this blog because I’m dealing with issues from my brain injury in 2003, I like writing and I like playing and watching sports. I was injured while cycling but the things that I find the most difficult are not sports issues, they’re day-to-day issues. The concussion issue has become prominent in hockey and much attention has been paid to brain injury because of the importance we place on the sport. Unfortunately, I think Canada’s obsession with hockey may be clouding our view of the problem.

The problem is not the lenient rules in hockey. The problem is not that players are bigger and stronger now. The problem is not fighting or illegal hits. The problem is brain injury. Once concussions were recognized as an issue to be addressed, our next step was finding a solution. We (society) skipped the whole part about understanding brain injuries. Hockey’s relationship with brain injury is not society’s. Hockey leagues are looking for ways to avoid brain injury and still leave the sport physically tough and fun to play, but hockey is not general society. When Sidney Crosby (or anybody who has had a concussion) has a headache, feels ‘off’ or otherwise feels that his body is not reacting the way he would like, he has those same symptoms regardless of whether he’s playing hockey, getting groceries or spending time with friends and family.  His concussion is a problem, not because it makes skating, shooting or checking difficult, but because it makes his life more difficult.

Hockey is looking for a specific solution to its specific problem – concussions in hockey. That should not, and almost certainly cannot be society’s goal. Brain injury can happen to anybody. While there are no opportunistic (or, as many commentators would say, “tough”) defencemen waiting to knock the heads off pedestrians crossing the street with their heads down, there is everything else. As physical and rough a sport as hockey is, not everyone who plays it  and not everyone who gets hit, is brain injured. As easy as it is to imagine vicious and senseless violence by players gripping sticks and wielding blades on their feet, there’s really only so much that can happen within a confined space (indoors, for the most part), during a set time. During a game, a player isn’t likely to fall off a ladder or hit their helmet-less head on a low hanging light fixture.

Life is not confined. Shit happens. It’s not your fault, my fault, his fault or her fault, it just happened. Blame and punishment are, for the most part, pointless and distract attention away from the real issues.  If you’re brain injured, you’ve got problems to deal with and blaming or punishing someone else is not going to fix them. Last year, Tara Bradbury, a reporter for our local newspaper did a 6-part series on brain injury. It was very well received and it really helped to raise awareness of brain injury. It is important for hockey and all sports to work on the brain injury/concussion problem in their sport, but it doesn’t have to frame society’s understanding.

I just finished Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut. It’s about Billy Pilgrim, an optometrist in Ileum, New York who was a World War II POW in Dresden, Germany when it was fire bombed (Vonnegut, himself, was a POW in World War II in Dresden in Schlachthof Fünf (Slaughterhouse Five). He, like his future character, Billy Pilgrim, was there during the bombing in February 1945). After the war (in human time – more on that further down) he becomes an optometrist, has a wife, daughter and son, and is abducted by aliens to their planet of Tralfamadore and ends up with an ability to haphazardly time travel within his life. It’s funny and makes its anti-war points through satire. This is not a book review, I just figured I would give a general overview of the book before I launched into an exhortation about my brain injury and the Tralfamadorian view of life.

The Tralfamadorian view kind of relates to my point that I wouldn’t change a thing about my being brain injured because it leads me to where I am now. The Tralfamadorian view of life is that no one ever dies, they just jump around to different parts of their life and that things that happen will always happen and have always happened. By no means am I saying that I can travel through time and Vonnegut never talks about how all events are connected, but in a way it’s sort of implied. Even if Billy Pilgrim knew an event was going to happen he wouldn’t try to change it because that’s what happens, has happened and always will happen. What I’m trying to say, in a very circuitous way, is that time seems different to me now, perhaps it always has seemed this way, I’ve just had more time to think about it. Hell, maybe this has nothing to do with brain injury, maybe I’m the only brain injured person who feels this way. It’s a tough concept to explain to people. Of course, I’ve never tried, so maybe it’s easier than I think.

Especially during the first few years (and still now, though less often) people who knew or could see that I really had to work hard and concentrate intensely on walking, swimming  - or anything really – would wish me well, wish me luck, remark how determined or brave I was, or they would say something about how they could never do what I was doing. That last part has always  been a tough one for me to accept. First off, it’s not like you’re given much of a choice and secondly, it seems to me to be one of those things that had to be that way. I wouldn’t be interacting with those same people in those same circumstances if I hadn’t been injured and if I hadn’t been able to walk. For someone to say that (they could never do what I was doing) to me, none of the details could be any different. It’s simply because they haven’t faced the same situation.

This may read as fatalistic, but if it does, then I’m not explaining it well. If it also reads as self indulgent, then this post has failed entirely. So it goes.

The title speaks for itself. I never envisioned using my blog to push a manuscript, but the question stands.

Yesterday I was writing a post about the importance of awareness of brain injury. I think the awareness aspect has been seriously diminished as compared to prevention and treatment. I had written probably most of the incipient post when I tried to save it. Then I got the “Please try again” notice and when I got back to my post only the short opening remained. I wasn’t up for writing it again, so that post will have to wait. But I digress.

I finished my manuscript about 4 weeks ago and have made a few edits since.

In 2002, after graduating from university, two friends and I cycled across Canada. I write at length about this experience to demonstrate where I was and what my interests were when I was severely brain injured in 2003 and spent 2 weeks in a coma. When I woke up from my coma, I couldn’t walk, my speech was very difficult to understand, I had double vision and my left side had generally lost some coordination. After 2 years in rehab, working with great physiotherapists, I learned to walk independently. I completed my Master’s of Public Administration and started working. Although I have come a long way over 8 and a half years, but I still live with many of the issues arising from the brain injury; not least of which is double vision and problems with left side coordination and balance.  I am happy about where I am now, especially now that I’ve finished my manuscript. I am in the process of sending it to publishers and since this is the first time I’ve done this, I want to make sure I’m not missing a publishing house or company that may be interested. Thanks!

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Email: concussiontalk@gmail.com

I haven’t written a post in a long time, but I was still writing. In October I started writing a manuscript for what I hope will be a book about my cross Canada bike trip in 2002, my bike accident and brain injury in 2003 and how my life has changed since then. I finished writing about 10 days ago, read it through myself and I asked two others to read it. I’ve never done this before, so right now I’m thrilled to have written it. From what I’ve heard though, it’s a long process, full of edits and frustrations. Being a naive first time writer, I’m actually looking forward to that part of it. So anyway, that’s where I am now. I’ve written a few posts since October, but this is my first in 2012. It’s not that there haven’t been stories that I wanted to comment on, it’s that I was concentrating on writing my manuscript and by the time I felt like writing even more about brain injury, the stories were old news. That said, I really like writing and I have fun with it (especially writing my now favourite post: The concussion Tipping Point )

I like to think I was, at least somewhat, ahead of the game when I started this blog in August 2010. Now, of course, it has moved from ‘the hidden injury that no one considers’ to an issue that’s been covered so much that it’s become part of the wallpaper. I started this site because I wanted to write. I wanted to make public some of the issues about brain injury that were being overlooked. I also wanted to write about sports.

When I started, it was before the NFL had the rash of concussions in the 2010 season and before Sidney Crosby was concussed. I remember thinking, “This site will provide news about concussions and I’ll write articles. No one’s writing about brain injury in sports!” Now everyone is and I’m trying to find new angles. I wrote about Tebow in December – that didn’t work, but what the hell, might as well give it a shot. I’m not about to write a Jeremy Lin post, but I’m definitely following it.

The reason I wrote the Tebow post wasn’t even about Tebow. It was about the blatant close-mindedness of many of the people following football in the media. They would use the disclaimer that what they were about to say or write wasn’t a knock on Tebow, just his style of play and that it can’t work with any consistency, all the while taking obvious pleasure in any failure he might have had. What got to me was that no one was calling them on their hypocrisy – ‘Nothing against the guy, but he’s terrible at his profession that he’s spent his whole life preparing for and I hope he fails miserably.’

Let it go Nick. Let it go. I’m really a happy guy, but it’s tough to write in a light-hearted way about brain injury. It’s not impossible though. I’ll do it. I just need to find the right approach. That’s it for me, for now, but I’ll be back sooner with a post that’s more light-hearted, yet still about brain injury in some respect.

On Sunday I watched the Denver Brocncos score 10 points in a little over 2 minutes to tie the Chicago Bears and then win in overtime. This is an impressive comeback, but it wouldn’t be so believably unbelievable had it not involved the Broncos and their quarterback Tim Tebow. Last week Chuck Klosterman wrote an excellent article on www.grantland.com  entitled The People Who Hate Tim Tebow and he tries to find out why Tim Tebow is so fascinating to other people and why he’s so polarizing. Klosterman inevitably talks about faith and belief. I think the reasons a nice, genuine guy is so polarizing are very similar to explaining concussions and brain injury in sports.

Tim Tebow is the Broncos quarterback and seems to lack most of the apparently ‘essential’ skills of the modern-day NFL QB. Football purists and many former players are quick to note his lack of skill, his inability to make accurate passes and his reliance on running and scrambling. He is 7-1 as a 2nd year quarterback and 1st year starter – a fantastic record for anybody. Yet there are many who not only doubt, but disregard his accomplishments, unfairly comparing him to quarterbacks with years more experience and time to develop. Even many of his supporters in football circles, quickly displace the credit to the defence. I’m not trying to give reasons to like Tebow, but I am stymied by commentators who continue to doubt whatever ‘skill’ he has. I’m even more confounded by those commentators who take obvious joy in his prospective failure. I think the reasons for this type of reaction is probably as obvious as people think and that scares them.

Klosterman makes great points about pragmatism and faith (not religious faith, although Tebow is a very religious guy). “Anyone can believe a hard fact that everyone already accepts. That’s easy. If you can see something, you don’t need faith. Faith in the seeable is meaningless.” That quote almost perfectly describes sports’ (and society’s) relationship with brain injury. It is also one of society’s traits that make living with a brain injury more uncomfortable than it needs to be. It’s been stated countless times in countless ways, ‘every brain injury is unique’. Unfortunately, only the saddest, most depressing images of brain injury are shown on TV, in movies, or written. Brain injury can present itself in many forms and explaining each different manifestation makes one injury seem like a million different injuries. Therefore understanding brain injury is very difficult and getting it across, even more so.

In sports, because of the natural reluctance to embrace new ideas that may run directly against everything taught or studied about a sport, many of the farthest reaching and drastic changes to a sport are immediately taken off the table when rule changes are discussed. So, if those are already off the table, then people making the new rules are already restricted in what they can do, thereby ensuring that the game stays more or less the same. Just as Tebow (and, a few years ago, the wildcat offence – which is still in the game and has spread to many teams) changed one of the most important aspects of football by doing things unconventionally, it would be a relief to hear football and hockey league officials actually being free to think and come up with new ideas instead of just bigger penalties. It seems very clear to me and to many people that bigger penalties aren’t going to do the two jobs asked of them. First, they’re asked to dissuade ‘bad’ hits or ‘cheap’ shots. ‘Bad’ and ‘cheap’ are in the eye of the beholder, so players making those bad hits or committing those cheap shots don’t think they are. They’re just playing aggressively, going after the ball or puck and by the time they find out that they shouldn’t make that play it’s too late, the damage has already been done. Secondly, by not changing hitting or tackling rules, bigger penalties are also asked to keep the game the same aggressive sport. But, as players see others penalized, suspended or fined for hitting/tackling aggressively, the will shy away from such collisions. In the long run, this could work, but it can’t work as both a deterrent and as a way to maintain ‘the game’.

In The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell, he notes that there are 3 rules of epidemics (in this case, the galvanizing of support for concussion awareness/understanding): 1) the Law of the Few, 2) the Stickiness Factor, 3) the Power of Context. Concussions and all brain injury are issues that need to become epidemics to gain any real level of support. Support that is now seriously lacking. I will try to apply each of these 3 rules to concussion/brain injury understanding and awareness.

1) The Law of the Few. Gladwell talks about a Paul Revere’s midnight ride and further breaks down this rule into 3 parts (Mavens, Connectors and Salesmen). It seems to me that telling people they need to know learn something or they should support something, inevitably spawns a level of resentment, however subconscious this is and however well-meaning someone is to a cause. Guilt is not a sales technique that will keep people interested and it doesn’t encourage people to spread the message. With the huge sports media and others constantly bringing up the issue, concussions have been a prevailing issue in hockey and football, not because of any Stickiness Factor, but due to saturation. Concussions in sports have become like Airwalk sneakers. They went from an esoteric issue for contact sports to mainstream. Of course, brain injury is important at any level and in any type of sport. And in life. However, concussions seem to be resigned to an issue that with which only ‘some people’ are concerned and they shouldn’t ‘ruin the game’ as it is now. I understand the irony of having a blog about concussions and then writing about saturation of the issue. My point is that this “Law of the Few” applies to sports themselves. If one trendy, innovative team in football or hockey embraces the issue, that will do more good than media or league commissioners ramming it down their throats. Or as Gladwell notes, “the nature of the messenger.”

2) The Stickiness Factor. Seasame Street and Blue’s Clues are the examples Gladwell uses to discuss this ‘rule’. His point is that the message needs to be focused and the audience must be known. Concussions and brain injury suffer from a prime example of the “clutter” problem – basically, saturation. Too many messengers and messages, making it difficult for any one message to stick. You’d think that athletes, banging heads and the universal nature of brain injury would give its understanding some stickiness, but obviously not. With all of the coverage, a lot of it is very superficial and used as more of a time-filler than anything else, what has been lost is the simple message that concussion and brain injury CAN effect any part of your life and that EVERY brain injury is different. Pro athletes should not be given the same message as children. It would be better to show pro athletes people in their sport, people that they may know personally, who have had concussions or other brain injuries. Show them how it happened and  let them know that the way they hit or the way they ready themselves for a hit can be tweaked and they will better avoid brain injury. Some really young kids will still heed to “I told you to” as an effectively sticky message, while older youth players can be shown concussive hits to athletes they emulate, in their sports and at their positions, and if punishment for certain offences in their sport are strictly implemented (even if it’s not “fair”), then that, too, will stick.

3) The Power of Context. Starting off talking about Bernie Goetz, Gladwell transitions to a more light-hearted, The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and having a group max size of 150. This ‘rule’ is about environmental and group influences and it’s the chapter part of Gladwell’s book that got me thinking about how this all relates to understanding concussions. He explains how crime in New York City in the 1980s was mitigated by changes to the environment (the appearance and cleanliness of the subway) and how it becomes difficult for a group larger than about 150 to influence all of its members. One of the main environmental influences in contact sports is the hitting and the toughness of its players. Unlike New york City subway cars, contact sports can’t be cleaned up completely without taking away the aspect of the game that draws many players. In hockey, football and other contact sports, the context is very difficult to change, but again, maybe one innovative and trendy team can change the context in their organization. A single team, management and all would likely mean numbers small enough to influence. If the entire organization has a more complete understanding of brain injury, then its importance will be easily known to all. Have doctors come in and talk to the players and management about brain injury. Have everyone together in one room to hear it. Don’t have just one, make it a monthly, mandatory thing for all players and management. Include more intensive mandatory sessions in pre-season. It’s the primary risk all pro athletes in contact sports take, so at least tell them what they are risking and how to better protect themselves and others. For youth, most teams can’t afford to have doctors come in to talk to their players. That’s what parents, coaches and local sports associations are for. Instead of having adults preach to them about playing safe, the concussion/brain injury issue is probably one in which the best approach is top-down. If younger players see the professionals they emulate playing in a less reckless or dangerous style, then they would have no incentive to play dangerously themselves.

Cancer, heart conditions and other well-known health problems are known to the public. For centuries it has been known that people suffer these conditions and diseases (how best to treat them has not). Everybody knows someone well who has died or has had their life effected by these conditions. Therefore, they are easily relatable and everyone wants to support them. It has also been known for centuries that getting a knock in the head was bad and had confusing and comical, immediate and temporary effects. It is only now being understood that brain injury has varying, long-lasting and permanent effects. So, brain injury is an issue that is late to the ‘raising awareness’ game and although everybody knows someone well who has died or has had their life effected, most people don’t know what the cause was.

Brain injury, generally and concussion, specifically, are not problems for which there is a cure. Knocks on the head are going to happen. Take it from me, even helmets won’t completely prevent severe traumatic brain injuries, but they will help reduce the likelihood of a concussion. While walking down the street or standing in your backyard, there is nothing stopping a random bird from dive bombing into your head, but people don’t panic going outside and they don’t stand on the corner yelling to warn people of the impending danger. If you saw someone doing that, you’d think they were crazy, because it’s not rational.

Since it is a ‘new’ problem, brain injury awareness has skipped a lot of stages and has jumped straight to the panic stage. This is a horrible place to start! The most important steps, understanding causes and effects have been glossed over and it’s been left to standing on the corner yelling about the attacking birds.

It was really exciting seeing Crosby score his first (and second) goal and play so well the entire night!

I was at the game in Boston on Saturday, November 12, 2011, so I saw the play in which Milan Lucic crushed goalie Ryan Miller. Immediately there was a quick groan in the crowd around me. My friends know the seriousness of major strikes to the head better than most people, so they could see how bad the hit was and how much it could effect Miller.

After the immediate shock of the hit, the crowd went crazy. There was long and sustained loud cheering for Lucic and jeering of the Buffalo players for their reaction. There was also intense booing of the 2 minute penalty assigned to Lucic for the hit. This was followed by equally intense cheering as Milan Lucic was celebrated in a video shown on the scoreboard screen, profiling his big hits and physical style of play. It seemed the fans couldn’t be prouder. Of course, there is a whole separate debate among hockey players and media about goalies being able to play a puck outside of their respective, claustrophobic creases.

The referees didn’t assign a larger penalty because they could see no immediate injury and considering how they are allowed to penalize during a game, that actually seems kind of fair. Not long into the Sabres 2 minute power play, a Bruins was tripped when a Buffalo player’s stick was caught in a mess of skates, resulting in a 2 minute Buffalo penalty. Again, that penalty is fair.

My question is: Are penalties in hockey meant to penalize a team for gaining an unfair advantage in play (tripping) or are penalties meant to punish players for disobeying the rules of the game? Even after having days in which to analyze the video, the NHL, in an incredibly ignorant decision with no thought to how it would be interpreted, didn’t give Lucic a suspension. It was fairly obvious that he had no intention of avoiding a collision with a much smaller, and stationary Miller, but intent is not what’s important in this case.

In hockey, the refs are really busy; constantly moving, avoiding players, avoiding the puck, all the while following the play (often moving at top speed to do so) to ensure rules of the game are obeyed. After all of that, the most reasonable thing they can be asked to do is penalize a team for gaining an unfair advantage and the most they can reasonably assess is the current state of players in action, so however easy it is for me, the commentators in the above video or others watching to say that it should be a hefty penalty, we have the luxury of an unimpeded view of the entire field of play.

You would think that the NHL, with the same luxury of viewing as fans and commentators would be able to assess punishment better once all of the injury information is available. If the NHL agrees with the refs decision of a two minute minor penalty then they can give them a passing grade when they review referees. If, however, they would like their players to avoid brain injuries, they could quite easily take action given the information now available. They have now put forward, at the GM meeting, that goalies are not to be hit. As if Miller being a goalie was the only reason that hit was dangerous. So, in essence, they’re saying, “our bad, we didn’t make it clear, don’t hit goalies.” Or, they could say, “Lucic, you know how you flew down the ice at top speed and slammed into Buffalo’s goalie, giving him a concussion? Don’t do that anymore! You’re suspended.” Lucic, “I didn’t know he would get a concussion and I didn’t mean to do that.” NHL, “Well, tough. We’re basically saying don’t barrel top speed at goalies who are in their own end, stationary, attempting to play the puck with their oversized stick that isn’t designed for accurate or precise stickhandling.” In fairness to the NHL, it’s difficult to say all of that while their head is buried in the sand.

Stopconcussions.com – New Initiatives Announced to Reduce the Incidences and Treat Concussive Injuries in Sport

MEDIA INVITE                      MEDIA INVITE                          MEDIA INVITE

Toronto, On November 14, 2011:  Former NHL player Keith Primeau & stopconcussions.com are hosting a media event to announce new initiatives in the battle to reduce the incidences and accurately treat dangerous concussions in sport.

The following initiatives will be presented to media:

1.       The Concussion Alliance

2.       Baseline Testing Initiatives – the importance of baseline testing

3.       Battle Sports Science – The Impact Indicator

4.       Eric Pelly Scholarship Fund

Former NHL & CFL athletes, Director of stopconcussions.com Kerry Goulet, Wayne Primeau, President of Battle Sport Science – Chris Circo, as well as Ron Ellis, Dennis Maruk, Cam Stewart, Paul Rosen, Tim Fleiszer and GTHL Executive Director Scott Oakman will be in attendance.

Notes To Editors

You are invited to send a photographer / reporter / camera crew to the Bottomline Sports Bar

Date: November 14, 2011

Time: 1:30 pm

Location: Bottomline Restaurant, 22 Front Street West, Toronto, ON

For further information and to arrange interview opportunities, please contact:

Toni Miil

Director of Marketing and Communications, stopconcussions.com

toni@stopconcussions.com   416.453.0739

Contact info for Kerry Goulet goulet29@stopconcussions.com

Notes To Editors

You are invited to send a photographer / reporter / camera crew to the Bottomline Sports Bar

Date: November 14, 2011

Time: 1:30 pm

Location: Bottomline Restaurant, 22 Front Street West, Toronto, ON

For further information and to arrange interview opportunities, please contact:

Toni Miil

Director of Marketing and Communications, stopconcussions.com

toni@stopconcussions.com   416.453.0739

Contact info for Kerry Goulet goulet29@stopconcussions.com 416-828-2929