This is a bit selfish of a departure from my usual posts, but I feel like I need to write something. I have been hesitant to write posts like this in the past, but it’s something that I hope will make me feel better. There is no need for any of my friends to be concerned. I just want to write.
You may have guessed, given the previous paragraph, that I’m not feeling all that great these days. It’s not one thing, it’s the sum of the parts that really sucks. I had a brain injury and I’ve long since accepted that it came with its issues; double vision, walking, balance, trouble with speech, fatigue, my general left side slowness, among others. It’s not one of those or all of those put together either. It’s their effects. Given my double vision and left side difficulties, I don’t drive, and St. John’s, however small people like to think it is, isn’t small. Walking, which takes a lot of effort, is made even more difficult thanks to the ever-approaching hills. (I actually really like the hills in St. John’s, they give it character and charm. However, they are steep and unavoidable.)
The reasons I don’t drive are the same reasons I don’t play the sports I used to. So there goes my main source of socialization (I still help out with the water polo club, but it’s not the same not playing. Cycling and running are things I am not yet able to do). My university friends are awesome. We’re really close, almost family. They’re not here though. They’re in Ontario.
I stopped working for the Provincial Government when my contract ran its course two years ago. In these past two years, and as this city has turned even more oil-focused, I have learned that my education and experience have little value here. That’s really disappointing because this is my home and this is where I want to be.
This whole brain injury thing can really throw you for a loop. There are times, like this one, when I don’t feel very good about things, or I think about really changing things up. Of course, there are also times when I step outside and everything about where I am feels right; the smell of the air, the evening light. Even the fog. That said, maybe it’s just time to try somewhere else.
I recognize that this post was full of scattered thoughts, but I wanted to write them down.